The best gift you can give your loved one this Valentine’s Day? Understanding. Patience. Compassion.
As someone with OCD, I’m lucky to have a partner who truly understands.
To be honest, I shared that I had OCD on our first or second date. And it didn’t scare him off. But when I think about some of the things I’ve put him through—things like:
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Are you sure you love me?
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You just said “love you.” Why didn’t you say “I love you?”
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I just remembered a conversation we had way back, but I don’t remember resolving it. Do you still feel that way?
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Nitpicking every bad habit he has because I’m anxious it’ll cause long-term unhappiness.
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Bringing up a conversation that ended an hour ago for some “clarification.”
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Confessing a dream I had that I felt guilty about.
I’m extremely lucky that my partner knows (for the most part) how to help. Not everyone gets it right all the time. And that’s something OCD has to learn to sit with, too.
But when it comes to the best way for a partner to help, the answer might not be what you want to hear. Because it’s hard. It takes real strength.
5 Ways to Support a Partner with Relationship OCD
(or Any Type of OCD)
1. Don’t Engage with the OCD
The best thing you can do? Don’t feed the OCD. That means resisting the urge to offer reassurance, even when it feels like the most loving thing to do. Reassurance gives OCD what it wants—and the cycle continues. Instead, try saying:
“Are you sure you want me to answer this?”
Constantly checking thoughts and feelings doesn’t lead to clarity—it only strengthens OCD’s grip. Helping your partner means resisting the urge to help them analyze and instead encouraging them to stay present. (treatmyocd.com)
2. Validate Without Reassuring
There’s a difference between validating feelings and giving reassurance. Instead of saying, “Of course I love you! Why would you think otherwise?” try something like:
“I know this feels really real right now. I see how hard this is for you.”
Validation helps your partner feel heard, while reassurance-seeking can fuel the OCD cycle. (treatmyocd.com)
3. Encourage Sitting with Uncertainty
OCD thrives on certainty. But the truth is, certainty doesn’t exist. The more we try to find it, the more OCD pulls us in. The kindest thing you can do is remind your partner that they can handle the discomfort of not knowing for sure.
“It’s impossible to know for sure if we are with the ‘right’ person, and that’s okay.”
This mindset helps them get better at handling uncertainty, which is key in managing OCD symptoms. (treatmyocd.com)
4. Set Boundaries with Love
It’s okay to protect your own mental health. If your partner is looping and seeking reassurance, it’s okay to say:
“I love you, but I can’t keep answering this. You’re strong enough to sit with this discomfort.”
Setting these boundaries helps prevent burnout while also supporting your partner’s growth (thespokanecounselor.com).
5. Support Their Recovery (Not the OCD)
Encourage them to seek therapy (especially ERP therapy, the gold standard for OCD treatment). Therapy helps people act based on what they know in the moment, rather than seeking absolute certainty. Support them in practicing response prevention, even when it’s tough. (iocdf.org)
The Best Kind of Love
Loving someone with OCD means loving them enough to help them fight their OCD—not feed it. It means sitting with their discomfort instead of trying to fix it. It means reminding them that they are separate from their thoughts, and that uncertainty doesn’t have to be feared.
And if you’re doing this? You’re giving them the best gift they could ever ask for.
Happy Valentine’s Day. 💙
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