OCD? Depression? Just Feeling Meh?

It’s been a while since I’ve been to therapy — a little over 2 years now. Sometimes I wonder if it would do me any good to start therapy again, but for now, I’d like to spill my guts onto this page, if that’s alright with you. If not, just keep walkin’.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve been feeling my OCD and anxiety symptoms ramp up, which I get. But I’ve also been feeling a bit “meh,” which I don’t really get. 

The month of December is usually the time that I shine. My birthday is in December. Hanukkah is in December. Christmas is in December. And coziness and snow and hot chocolate and baking cookies and ELF is in December. Yet, I fear those things don’t bring me as much joy as they usually do. I didn’t care too much about what I did for my birthday, I just wanted to go home and spend it with my family. I walked by the Rockefeller Center tree and felt… nothing. I feel no excitement to make any New Years plans.

Last night, I googled symptoms of depression. I’ve never been diagnosed with depression. After realizing I was googling for about an hour at 12am, I realized it was a teensy bit possible that my OCD was worried that my recent “meh-ness” means I have depression. 

And while I know it’s perfectly okay to feel “meh, " I think the fact that I don’t have a therapy session lined up every week has led me to fear that I’m leaving whatever this is untreated.

I decided to look at the facts. There are a lot of valid reasons I would be feeling ‘meh’ besides a major depressive disorder diagnosis. 

Could it just be “winter blues?” I don’t remember it getting this dark this early in the day— something feels different. (I find it particularly amusing that I can write a little blog post about winter anxiety and yet I can’t seem to get through to the one person that needs to hear it the most: me.) 

Could it be my current employment status? In September, I was given 90 days notice that I would be laid off from my job — those 90 days are almost up and I’m without any new prospects. 

Could it be that one of my dogs has to undergo a biopsy for some little bumps on his chest at the end of the month? 

So, while it is possible I might have some sort of depression — and there is nothing wrong with that — I think for now I can work through it with the tools that I was left with 2 years ago. It helps to know that I could go back if I really needed to, but there’s no reason for me to obsess over feeling “meh.”

Have you ever had an OCD obsession/compulsion relating to fearing you might be depressed? Or fearing that you might have some other diagnosis you don’t know about? Leave a comment.

Here’s what I decided to do this morning:

• Went to the gym this morning and ran on the treadmill.
• Showered.
• Wrote this blog post, which is actually therapeutic in a way.

Here’s what I would suggest to others (and to myself):

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Be Kind to Yourself: Acknowledge that it's okay not to feel okay. Treat yourself with the same compassion you'd show a friend going through a tough time. Offer words of encouragement and understanding to yourself.

2. Engage in Mindful Activities

Mindfulness and Relaxation: Take time for activities that promote relaxation and mindfulness, such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or gentle yoga. These practices can help center your thoughts and ease anxiety.

3. Connect with Loved Ones

Reach Out: Connect with friends or family members who understand and support you. A simple conversation or spending quality time with loved ones, even virtually, can bring comfort during tough moments.

4. Focus on Self-Care Rituals

Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that nurture your well-being, such as taking a warm bath, listening to soothing music, or enjoying a favorite hobby. Self-care rituals can provide a much-needed sense of calm.

5. Seek Nature or Movement

Spend Time Outdoors: Nature has a way of rejuvenating the spirit. Take a stroll in a nearby park, go for a hike, or simply sit outside and soak in some sunlight. Alternatively, engage in light exercise or movement that feels good to you.

Remember, it's okay not to have all the answers right now. You're doing your best in navigating these murky waters, and acknowledging your feelings is a significant step toward self-care. If you ever feel like you need additional support, seeking professional help again is a brave and wise choice. But for now, giving yourself permission to feel what you feel without judgment is a crucial act of self-compassion. Keep shining your light, even if it's a bit dimmer at the moment. You've got this.